20 Jun 2025 - nzge
I refuse to live in a reality where happiness/contentness is derived for personal characteristics or states of being. If that were the case, it would provide evidence for the opposing/mirroring perspective that if I didn’t meet a certain set of criteria, that I would be miserable. I refuse to entertain that reality, that I can’t be happy if I wasn’t the way I was. What if in an alternate reality, I was someone else or something different. It’s a logical argument in a sense.
If happiness came from who I was at the core, what permutation of being would I have to be to land me in a place of happiness? It’s not a question that is particularly inspiring, a bit unnerving.
I feel gross when I have to tell myself that I am in a good place compared to something that could be much worse. I feel guilty. I feel disgusting when I affirm my worth based on a talent I possess. Because the thought comes from a place of relating myself to others, egoism. The thought holds an air of superiority, that I do not like.
Happiness MUST come from something deeper, not of the self.